Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

I have officially moved into my new apartment. There is still a lot to do but the majority is over. I can’t explain how happy I feel. I have recently talked about this sense of contentment that God has bestowed upon me. Even if I would not have gotten this apartment I would have been content. However, I do have this apartment and I want to rejoice and thank God for this wonderful gift. I don’t deserve it, nor do I deserve the help that I got.
My brother took the bus from St. Louis, my dad drove from Galena, and two guys from my church (one that I had never met) helped me move today. We had everything moved with in two hours. I was so impressed. I have a lot of stuff.

I feel stable now. It has been a really long time since I have felt stable. I have always anticipated the next move. Right now, I am happy to announce that there is no anticipation for a new move. I am staying here at least until I get my masters. I love this place. Its small but beautiful, warm, and fresh.

When I look back at the short life I have lived I would have never put myself here. It constantly humbles me when I think of all the mysterious ways in which God works.

I know this post is kind of scattered. Maybe once things settle down so will my thoughts.

I just really wanted to say thank you for all of your prayers and comments. It really means a lot to me knowing that I have the support that I do. It is so easy to forget that one is loved. Why is that? I think it is sin. How quickly Satan can work in our lives and helps us to forget all that God has given us and kept from us.

I have been staring at this screen for several minutes. I am not sure what exactly I should write. Before opening this page I was writing a paper due very soon. I needed a break though. The paper was becoming boring for me.

Speaking of boring, I was talking to my brother-in-law yesterday, he told me something about myself that I have always known in the back of my mind but never really vocalized. I like it when things are hectic and crazy. As a matter of fact I thrive on it. When things are slow and nothing is happening, I get bored.  Sometimes chaos stresses me out, but it is something that I am so use to. So even though things in my life right now are chaotic, I’m really happy. I think this is a gift from God. Lately, I have been considering crisis counseling. This involves extreme patience, dedication, love, and the ability to handle stress. What do you think, can I handle it???

As far as any updates on my life I stand by my last update. I am completely content, and it is a contentment that can only come from God. I can see some of the small ways he is working in my life and I fall in amazement. How Great is Our God!!!!!!!

It’s update time…. I was recently reminded that I have not been writing as much lately. I am sorry. I guess I figure no one reads it so why write.

Anyways, things are going really well. Money is still incredibly tight, and I am moving in a month, but I am extremely content. I am at peace. I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with God.
I am not at peace because everything is going well but because I am trusting in God, and I feel like He is teaching me so much.

I really appreciate your prayers and support.

FYI- I am coming to St. Louis for July 4th. YAY!!!!

I am sitting here staring at my bank account and the stack of bills that has begun to pile up. Admittedly I am starting to have a little pity party. I honestly have no clue how I am going to make it through this month.

I think I have shared a little of this before but I am starting a new job next week. I will be a supervisor at the schools library. The pay is good, but not as good as what I make as a nanny. Also I am planning on moving in mid July. The expenses of moving, paying rent, paying bills, and needing to fix my car are all starting to add up. Coming home this past weekend used up a lot of money that I really don’t have. It’s amazing how that works huh?

I am sitting here thinking, what in the world am I going to do. None of my family is in a position to loan of give me money. Neither are any of my friends, and at this moment I am not too sure how many of those I have anyways. (that is a different story) Anyways, I feel like crying. It is at these moments where I feel unbelievably overwhelmed.

I know that I need to lay it in God’s hands and leave it there. But knowing what to do and actually doing it are two very different things.

I am sorry to lay this on you all. I feel like I can voice my real concerns on this page because for one not a whole lot of people read this and two, I need to voice it somewhere. I need to get this out otherwise it will build and build.

I think I know part of the solution but I don’t really want to do it. For the past year every now and then my previous, fabulous boss, has sent me a couple of dollars in the mail. When that happens I have been putting it in a jar. I call it my want jar. Most of my money goes to things I need not want. I have been saving to get something I really want, either a camera or a bike. But now I feel like having the money laying around while everything else is falling apart is silly. I can save again and there isn’t even that much to begin with.

I don’t know. What do you think? I welcome advice, and even a little loving constructive criticism.

I think I am going to begin by praying. Thanks for letting me get this out.

Hello all. It has been a long while since I have written. Only a few things have changed since then.

• I officially finished my first year of seminary.
• I started summer school.
• I applied for a new job, AND GOT IT!!!
• I have been doing some serious apartment hunting.

The reason for this post is to ask for prayer. I have been looking for a new apartment. I am not happy in mine and actually dread coming home everyday. It is almost like a studio, just a little bigger and the kitchen, well it fits the fridge, sink and stove but that is about it. Those of you who know me know that I love to cook. Using this kitchen has been a challenge for me. Its probably the main reason I want move. I have been looking for an apartment for awhile. Places around here are just too expensive for me and my litter budget. I have been praying and wishing that some nice Christian family would just happen to have a garage apartment with low rent. I posted on my schools website that I was looking for an apartment and what price range I needed. No one responded. Depression sank in, and I was really struggling with why I was here.

Currently, I am taking a group counseling class. Half of the class is actually participating in a group counseling experience. The other day some one called me out, they were dissapointed with my silence. I explained that usually when I do talk about myself I am usually forgotten. It happens more than you think. People use me for they need me for and then I am forgotten. I really feel like it is one of the roots of my lonliness. I wont connect because I dont want to be forgotten. Anyways, one of the people in my group reminded me about my faith. He told me God would provide me the friends and relationships that I NEEDED. He explained that faith can get me through this lonely patch. I have been thinking about it for a week straight and how right he was.

Last night on my way home from work, I prayed. I took the 30 min drive to just praise God and lay everything at his feet. It was so amazing. I praised him like I had never done before. I prayed for others and I prayed for myself, something that is really hard for me to do.

This morning I got an email from a nice Christian family stating that they had a garage apt available in July (when my lease ends). The rent is the same I am paying now but includes all utilities and internet. It is also closer to Trinity where I will be going to school and working. The apt is a studio but it has a full kitchen, bathroom, and access to a washer and dryer. I am going to call her after the Holiday, probably Tuesday and find out when I can come for a visit.

Please pray that this works out, or that if it doesnt something else will. Thank you so much.

Oh and for all of you back home, who don’t know this already. I think I will be at Valley Park next Sunday.

Thanks again.

I am siting at Starbucks, my new favorite place to do homework, and I need a break from writing papers. I realized that it has been a long time since I have written on here. The music I am listening to right now is very inspiring. It makes me want to write.

I was debating on what to write about there is a lot going on. I decided to write about my bagagge. It seems to be that I carry around a trunk where ever I go. It never leaves my side. Every now and then I try to pass it off on someone else, but a wise man reminded me yesterday that it is mine. It is something only I can unpack. The problem is that I don’t have the key and I don’t even know if I want to find it. It feels almost easier to take the trunk with me everywhere than to open it. You see inside my trunk is the root of my stress and loneliness. It would be easy to say that my stress is because people are always asking me to do something for them and my loneliness is because I am not married. But if I say that than I am merely trying to give my trunk to someone else instead of unpacking it myself.

Do you have a trunk following you? I think we all do at some point in our lives. It is a part of us. But I also think what we do with our trunk makes us who we are today. Do we pass it off and become blamers or do we open it and understand ourselves and God a little bit better?

Here is what I think….. (not that my opinion really matters but lets face it, you wouldn’t be reading this unless you wanted to know what was going on with me :-). ) I think it is time we all take a closer look at our trunk. Is the key really hidden or is it sitting in the lock just waiting to be turned? This is something only you and God know. Personally, I have come to realize that my key has been in the lock the whole time. All I have to do is turn it.

God already knows what is in my trunk so who do I think I am hiding it from? He knows what I am hiding and he loves me, he forgives me, and he is waiting for me to come to him with it. What am I afraid of? I honestly do not know. But someday when I finally turn that key I will tell you all about it. For now, I am praying for both you and me. I pray that we open our bagagge and delve into it. I pray that we give it to God and ask for his grace and mercy.

I am sitting in starbucks, yet again, trying to get some work done. I have a paper due this Wednesday and no, absolutely no, desire to write it. It is a review of a book for my Biblical Theology class. Honestly, I feel like a lot of it is over my head. There is a lot of new words and phrases that no one ever discussed at Valley Park.

Anyways, I am sitting here, wallowing, thinking of how lonely I am. Its stupid really but I feel like I am being tempted and tested. I am being reminded that  my focus does not need to be on myself but that it needs to be on God. For the last two days everytime that I have been tempted to complain and pity myself I remind myself to instead thank God for all he has given me and all he has kept from me. It helps a lot. Lately during this prayers of gratitude I have been reminded of Maggie. I know I can speak openly on this site about Maggie for two reasons. One I only have good things to say and two she doesn’t read this. Maggie is this smart, beautiful, smiley girl in my program. She lives alone in the same town I do. God has really been bringing us together. When we are feeling lonely or want to go out we call one another and do something together. Sometimes it is really low key, just eating dinner. (it gets old always cooking for one) Or sometimes it involves seeing a movie or going to this group Access together. Access is a huge 20 something group that meets once a month to praise God and continue to learn about Him. They have small groups that meet weekly and then all come together monthly. The group is bigger than my old church. It freaks me out a little but not near as bad as going the the church that hosts the group. It has its own resteraunt. :-S Crazy. Anyways, God has truly blessed me with her friendship.

I am reminding myself even as I type that I should be praising God.

Have you ever had the feeling that you have no idea how you got where you are? I don’t mean you did you get home from the movies or the grocery store, but how you got to this place in your life.

I’m sitting in a Starbucks trying to study and I began to think of how I got here. How did I get to Chicago? How did I start graduate school? How did I graduate undergrad a year early? It all feels so surreal, as if I am living some one else’s life.

I stare out the window, the sun shinning down on my face and I am filled with so many different emotions. It is not a bad thing just a new thing.

Well the real reason I am at starbucks is to study so I better go.

Currently, I am sitting in Starbucks trying to study for one of my midterms. I drive ten minutes out of my way to go to this starbucks because it is usually filled with people studying and small low conversations. Much to my surprise, today, after sitting down for about 30 minutes, a large group of people came in. There are at least six couples each of which has at least 2 children. My main problem is not with the fact that they are here disrupting my studying, but the lack of parenting. The parents seperated the children and put them at a seperate table. Then they began talking and not once did they check on their children. Currently, they are running all around the place and outside of the place. Children are hitting one another and bullying each other. It is ridiculous. I can’t ask where the parents are because I see them. They are right in front of me. Bu why are they not taking care of their children. If they wanted this kind of get together they should have met at someones home not at Starbucks.

Ok. I really needed to get that out. I feel like I can now go back to my studying. Sorry for ranting and raving. I promise to update later about how things are here.

There once was a girl who was loved and who loved. She was quiet and tender always wanting everyone around her to be happy. This girl lived for others. When they felt sorrow, she felt sorrow. When they rejoiced, she rejoiced. She rarely had feelings of her own. On those few occasions when she did feel something opposite of that those around her felt, she laid her feelings aside for them. She never quite felt herself equal to those around her. Her feelings, thoughts, and opinions were not as important as others.

For many years, she was content. She had never known anything else. She did was she was told and felt what others felt. Sad to say, she didn’t even make her own decisions nor did she have any favorites. She didn’t even have a favorite color.

One day, God blessed this girl with a chance to move away from all she had ever known. After moving to a new place with new people, this girl was lost. There were tons of people asking her questions but no one was telling her the answers. No one told her what her favorite food was, what her favorite color was, what she liked to do. She had to answer all her own. This left the girl feeling even more lost. So many feelings she had never felt, so many decisions she had never had to make, and so many opinions people asked of her.

On a cold winter morning, tucked away in a small room with five other people, this girl began to tell others a little about herself. She explained the fear she felt and the question that haunted her day in and day out. “Who am I?” In a quiet voice she spoke of home, what she lost, gained and longed for. She them, for the first time, how she really felt. She allowed her feelings to be equal with there’s. She also expressed her guilt over allowing that to happen. All eyes were on her and she did not know what to do. She could not fade like she usually does. One by one each person expressed their feelings and thoughts over her fears and new feelings. They all explained what they see when they look at her. She sat there trying to really hear what they were saying. The castle wall that she had worked so hard to put around her heart was being bombed. The drawbridge was up but they were still trying to get in. She couldn’t understand it. Why would they want to be in her heart? Why it matter to them?

As she sat listening tears began to well in her eyes. As she tried to protect herself and her heart two people creaped in with two very different views. One, was that of love she had never known. She heard a voice from one saying, ” If if let me in, I will only love you more.” The other voice through tears said, “Your feelings are just as important as mine, you are not below me. You have role given to you by God that he wants you and you alone to fulfill.”

Bricks began to fall and her wall was no longer fortified. Although the girl longed to believe what had been said it all left her feeling more scared. If they really wanted her to be her there was a chance they would not like it. All they had ever known was her being who they wanted her to be. If she had to be herself, well that’s the hard part. She doesn’t know how to be herself.

After leaving the quiet room, the girl began to weep and wrestle with everything she heard. She has a choice to make, find out who she is or continue to be who everyone wants her to be………….